28 feb Rouwen na overspel
My love cheated: goodbye to a period
Your dearest buddy, the one with whom you share everything, your harbor, your rock, appears to have a life besides yours together: adultery. The disbelief of one moment gives way to anger the next. The world revolves around you at a speed that would not look out of place on a merry-go-round in an average amusement park.
I can write a book on the whole subject (and hmmm, actually I think I should too). But today I am extracting one specific feeling. Mourning after parting.
I don’t mean that you have to say goodbye to your love. If you just found out that your loved one is cheating on you, or you have just been told, it is not good to make decisions at that moment. I am referring to the farewell to your period together exclusively. Whether it was a one-time action, an ongoing or a short-lived affair:
There is a period before and a period after the discovery of adultery. Point.
It will never be the same again. You don’t know that that doesn’t have to be a bad thing the moment you find out, and it doesn’t really matter. That moment, that terrible, blood-curdling and terrifying moment when the blood in your veins turns to ice, will always stay with you. And just like other very bad moments that you have experienced, they form an (invisible) scar.
If you say goodbye to something as dear in your life as your and your lover’s exclusive period together (because: he or she shared intimacy with another), and after a while you manage to remove the ice from your body and again breathing, then it starts:
And mourning, everyone does that in their own way. Take the time you need to do this. And do the things you need to do. Scream and shout in the car. Bite your handlebars. Buy ridiculously expensive underwear. Start with a salsa dancing course (:-)). Stop along the way to run through a meadow and spend hours in the bath with your sweetest rubber duck. Without wanting to end up in a comparison of seriousness of what has happened to you: mourn, take your time. Whatever others say, whether you’ve made the choice to go on with your partner or not, don’t let anyone tell you to “get over it now”. Whether you have lost a loved one to an illness or you end up in a wheelchair due to an accident. Just like such a loss: if your lover has cheated on you, you can mourn something that will not come back.inevitable way to start bearing the pain and eventually heal your wound. A little more every day.
Besides being very, very kind to yourself, there is another good remedy to heal your wound: seeking the silence, inside and outside you. Instead of running away from the pain of the wound – which is so throbbing and burning – now and then, you allow it to heal completely. Incredibly difficult, though. It is very, very hard work and it costs you a lot of energy. You tend to become overwhelmed with work. To be in busy company every day. Or to withdraw completely and let yourself be tortured by nasty images of your love with that other person. Self-flagellation was also very popular with me. Look up that other person on the internet and then just keep ripping open your wound. Over and over and over and over again. You understand that that is not good for you, but the temptation is just as great as the pain. Find in yourself the strength and self-love to let go of that (if only for a moment). To turn in. This can be done by looking for nature, but also by looking for a place in the house and sitting there, closing your eyes and ‘being’ alone. By focusing on your breath and eventually turning inward. Meditation doesn’t have to be more. If you have no experience with this yet, you will find many ‘guided’ meditations on YouTube. I can heartily recommend Dolly’s beginners course: Meditation doesn’t have to be more. If you have no experience with this yet, you will find many ‘guided’ meditations on YouTube. I can heartily recommend Dolly’s beginners course: Meditation doesn’t have to be more. If you have no experience with this yet, you will find many ‘guided’ meditations on YouTube. I can heartily recommend Dolly’s beginners course:https://dolly.nl/meditatie . Besides calming you down, you can start seeing things more clearly. Like your feelings for your partner.
Today I write about farewell and mourning as a result of the farewell I took from the (shop) building where my parents lived for 28 years. Farewell to a period when I became a woman from a child, an employee, a wife and then a mother. My parents are going to enjoy themselves in Drenthe and so this farewell comes with a smile and a tear.
Do you need a listening ear, attention and reflection, send me an email: